My first picture book deal

Panic! at the disco of life

I never got covid during the pandemic but the pandemic gave me another awful gift: severe anxiety. 

I mean, I suppose I should have seen it coming. I’ve always been a pretty bad hypochondriac, and I used to be severely afraid of heights. Like, I’ve felt the Eiffel Tower literally leaning over as soon as I got to the top, and I once moved into an apartment where I couldn’t look out the window cause I felt like I was gonna fall out of it (it was only on the fifth floor). 

During the pandemic I had repeated dreams of my apartment turning into a small capsule and being punched out into space. 

Fast forward to Tuesday, May 5, 2021. I receive an email from my agent, Joan. She’s travelling but tells me we are getting an offer from FSG for my picture book, Waiting for Tomorrow. She will call me with details tomorrow, she says. It feels surreal. My first book. 

At first I feel fine. I text everyone. I call my parents. It almost feels too normal. Like, you work towards something for so long and I think it should feel bigger?

Me: I should feel something. 

Time: You just wait.

Me: How long?

Time: [Looks at its watch] I’d say…

It’s 5 pm. I text my friend that I’m feeling weird. Like there’s an anvil on my chest. She chocks it up to excitement. After all, it’s all happened so fast. And it’s true. 

I sign with Joan as my agent on April 13.

Waiting goes out on submission on April 21.

We receive an email it’s going to acquisitions at FSG on April 29.

I meet with Grace (my editor at FSG) by video on May 3.

We receive an offer on May 5. 

(BTW, this is very quick by any standard, and it has not happened to me since, and will prob never again lol) 

It makes sense that I would feel excited. But this wasn’t quite excitement. I felt like was dying.

It’s 11 pm. I try to walk it off in my apartment, but my heart feels like it might stop from overworking. I rationalize it down — it can’t be a heart attack; I’m too healthy and too young! Just calm down, I tell myself but when lie down to sleep it’s worse. My heart is actually moving up my throat and into my head. 

I think if I go to sleep, I might die. I decide I should probably refrain from sleeping. But it’s so late I don’t know what I can do. So I text my friend down the street who I know for a fact doesn’t sleep till 3 am. 

I watch my friend play video games, and pass out on the couch. And after treading the night I see the sunrise over the jungle of his overgrown house plants. I remember what it’s like to feel the relief of morning.  I sneak out and walk home to take the call from Joan. 

She calls from Dubai on her way home, but our conversation is cut off by the spotty internet connection. We try a few more times, but it doesn’t work. At last she emails me — it’s an offer letter. It goes back and forth between Joan and Grace. And we finally accept the offer on May 12. 

I think it was only later that I realized that I probably had a panic attack. A lot had happened that year, and maybe my body got confused. All emotions had led to panic for nearly a year and half, why should joy or excitement lead to a different response?

Joy: Hi!

Body: Can I help you?

Joy: It’s me, Joy! 

Body: Joy? 

Joy: Aren’t you excited to see me?

Body: Excitement! Oh yes of course. I’ll call them right away.

Panic attack: You rang? 

Body: Oh not you. The other excitement. The happy one. 

Panic attack: [Looks around] There’s no one else here. 

Body: Well, I guess it’s close enough. 

By the end of May, Grace and I start work on my manuscript and start discussing who might illustrate. It isn’t too long before Julie Kwon is on board to illustrate, and that nervous panic energy turns into a buzz of excitement and the real work of making a picture book begins. :)

Next month: Getting sketches and making more edits to the story!