Modern Loves

That time my essay was published in the Modern Love column of the New York Times

In early January, I had an essay published in Modern Love, the popular weekly New York Times column. I mean, like, the NEW YORK TIMES. Like.

I wrote about a memorable trip I had taken to Korea with my parents in 2022.

In the online edition it was called Sharing an Airbnb With My Parents for Seven Weeks. In print, the title was “International Journey Strengthens a Family’s Bond.”

I sometimes think an identity gets stuck in childhood and it’s hard to shake it off as an adult. My former identity as someone who barely spoke English, someone who couldn’t complete a book report in middle school, and as someone who mispronounced carousal and cupboard for over ten years… well.

I marvelled at this with my siblings who were sad to be cut out of the final essay, which was a few hundred words shorter than the one I submitted.

Having my first book published in 2023 was exciting, but for some reason, this felt like something else completely. I saw an interview with Daniel Jones and Miya Lee and they said they get between 10k-12k submissions a year. 

I kinda felt like I won the lottery. 

I got the email from Miya around 1pm on January 2, 2024. The subject line said “Modern Love Essay Publication.” 

Okay wait though. Let’s go back.

That very morning, I was doing what I usually do at the beginning of the year — making a list of my accomplishments of the past year, and making a project list for this year. I was feeling a bit down cause I didn’t feel like I did much. 

“You published your first book,” said my brother.

“But I finished working on that book like a year ago,” I texted back.

“Oh true,” he said.

I literally sent my friend this list:

That was at 11 am. I don’t want to overstate things, but by 1pm, everything had changed lol.

Okay, back to that email. I read it. It said they wanted to run my essay in the next week’s column. Online January 12, and in print in January 14, it said.

I thought, was this a scam? Did someone know that I sent my essay in and was trying to fake publish me? But for what purpose? It would def be another writer to play such a cruel joke, so did someone hate me?

I was relieved of that worry once I responded and Miya and I exchanged a few more emails. She knew the content of the essay. She wanted a call for clarification on specific parts. She wanted consent from my parents to publish. 

It seemed like a little too much effort for it to be a scam. 

Over the next two days, Miya led me through edits to shorten and also change the tense, from present to past tense (Modern Love publishes in the past tense only).

When she initially sent me her edits, it took me a while to get my head around the tense change. For some reason I felt like it changed the voice and it didn’t sound like me. To compensate I tried to change the beginning (I like the original beginning, said Miya). I deleted paragraphs (I think we should keep it, it’s evocative, said Miya). 

We went back and forth until I was finally feeling like it sounded like me after all. 

It was really cool to see an editor’s point of view on such a personal story. We exchanged explanations and compromises through google docs, coming together on solutions.

The over 1,7000 word essay was edited down to around 1,450 to fit the print edition. I really liked it by the end of it.

I started the essay in early February 2023, and submitted it on April 5, 2023. I worked on it everyday hahaha. This is how I know I would never make it as a journalist. I take too long to write.

And I’ve learned over the years I can only do one writing “project” at a time, so I didn’t try to have this as a side project to my book writing. I just don’t know how to do that yet. 

I have writing time blocked off most mornings, so it started at my desk at home. I spent hours going through photos, notes, and text messages from the trip, which was a few months old by then.

After I dumped everything in one document, it was so large and unwieldy I barely knew what to do with it. I took the 7,000 word doc with me to Mexico, a last minute vacation with my friend and her baby.

It was a trip I took to quell my anxiety over a guy (which ultimately ended, the anxiety and the quasi relationship). I forced myself to focus on writing it because if I didn’t, I fretted, and when I fretted I felt untethered. 

But here is a picture I posted on Instagram during that time, like, what a vibe lol. 

That was the end of March, and by the time I got home, it was in good enough shape to revise and edit in earnest. 

That email from Miya was almost exactly 9 months from the day I submitted it. Their website said normal response time is 3-4 months sometimes longer, but even at that, 9 months seemed like a very long time and I thought it was time for me to submit it elsewhere. But just as I thought that the email arrived. 

I sent it to my parents to get consent. My dad read it dutifully with a dictionary by his side. 

“Are you sure this is interesting? You just listed the things that happened.” 

I assured him it was okay.

My sister, me, and my friend waited excitedly for midnight on Friday January 12 for the article to go live online. At midnight I couldn’t find it, and momentarily thought I was scammed again.

When I posted it on Instagram the next day, my friends commented generously. They sent direct messages. Emails. They were proud of me. Happy. 

My parents were proud too, but wondered why they looked so upset in Brian Rea’s illustration lol.

During that weekend I had over 2,500 visitors to my website (I assume from my bio at the end of the article). My normal traffic per month? About five people; probably bots to be honest. I felt like a minor celebrity. 

Google console sent me this email lol:

I think the most surprising thing was how many strangers reached out to me to tell me how much the essay meant to them. How much they connected with it.

People wrote beautiful long DMs and commented on my post about their own parents, their immigrant experience, and their experience of shepherding older parents through a new world, whether by culture or ability. One person said it had been a gift to her when she needed it and that made me cry. A complete stranger in Toronto offered to give me her paper copy of the article when I posted I had a hard time finding it. 

Miya sent me a couple of emails they had received as well, which was really nice. 

I was floored. And so grateful. The trouble they went to not only to read it, but to find me and let me know how much they connected with it. It really moved me. 

What an amazing experience I got to share with friends and family and strangers. Thank you guys.